Tom Collivander and the Order of the Thunderbird, A Potter Parody Page 5
Chapter 4 – Snipe’s task
Tom woke up at 7 o’clock the next morning. Fully relaxed and happy at how the previous day had gone. He got dressed and went to knock on the doors of the other 5th year boys to meet them. However, no one answered. Tom presumed they must all be asleep and so left the dormitories and thought he’d go down to breakfast and hopefully meet some people there.
In the common room however, Mark was there drawing some sort of diagram on a piece of parchment. He saw Tom and called over, “Morning Tom! Want to get some breakfast?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Cool, let’s go down.”
Tom was quite fortunate to run into Mark. He didn’t know how to get to the great hall and so was glad to have someone to follow. “So Mark, what year are you in?”
“I’m in my seventh. Final year. So I know enough about this place. I can help you out if you’re ever stuck.”
“Thanks. That could come in handy.”
“No problem. To be honest, I was hoping to run into you this morning. I wanted to ask you if you play Quidditch.”
“Yeah, I’ve played a bit.”
“I thought you must do. You’ve got the build for it. Do you know Victor Dumb? He went to Durmprang too didn’t he?” At the first mention of Quidditch, Tom had thought Mark was just another fanboy of Dumbo.
Disheartened, he said, “Yeah I know Victor a bit. We talk every now and then. He actually helps me out with my Quidditch sometimes.”
“That’s amazing! What position do you play?”
“Beater.”
“Awesome! Me too! I’m Ravensnore Quidditch captain and we need a new beater, and chaser. You should come to try-outs. They’re on Saturday morning.”
Maybe he is actually interested in me. Tom wasn’t sure if he wanted to play Quidditch this year but didn’t want to be rude so he said, “Sounds good. I’ll think about it.”
They reached the great hall in about 10 minutes. It didn’t seem to take very long when walking with Mark but Tom had been listening too hard to concentrate on the route that they had taken and so wouldn’t be able to get there that quickly next time.
As soon as they entered, a member of staff came hurrying over to them who looked like a child but had an excellent moustache. “Tom. Tom. How do you do? I’m Professor Funwick, I’m your head of house.”
Mark butted in, “Morning Professor. Had a good summer?”
They fist bumped and Funwick replied, laughing “It was pretty good Mark. How was yours?”
“Ah you know, could have been worse.” They both smiled at each other and Mark went to sit down at the Ravensnore table.
Funwick turned back to Tom. “Where was I? Oh yes, Tom you’ll need a timetable from me. Here you go.” He had made one appear out of thin air and passed it to him. “If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask. Oh, and I’m the charms teacher by the way. Have a good term.”
“Thanks Professor,” and with that, Professor Funwick went back to the staff table.
Tom re-joined Mark at the Ravensnore table where he was already digging into a huge plate of bacon and eggs. Tom, seeing the food, longingly said, “That looks amazing.”
“Here you go,” Mark said, passing him a plate that he’d already prepared.
“Brilliant! Thanks a bunch.”
And with that, he buried his face into a mouth-watering pile of bacon. A few moments passed where they just ate and ate, then Mark broke the silence. “I see you can eat like me. Ryan will have some serious competition this year.” Tom had been too occupied with his food to hear properly.
“What was that?”
”Ryan is Hogwash’s eating champion. He finally took the crown from me last year.”
“That’s awesome. We never had any competitions like that at Durmprang.”
“Really? We have lots. Best eater, best dresser, best haircut… Toby Fallow has these pointed dreadlocks, they’re awesome!”
Tom agreed and started thinking about what he could win. Noticing Mark watching him, he quickly said, “Hey, what was that with you and Professor Funwick?”
Mark just smiled again and replied, “Oh nothing. We just get on well with each other.” It was clear that Mark wasn’t going to elaborate on this so Tom continued eating until a beautiful Ravensnore girl came and sat down next to Mark and kissed him. She was normal height, had long, blonde hair and a rounded face, like a Disney character.
“Ella! It’s so great to see you. It’s been so long. Did you have a good summer?”
From this moment onwards, Tom was completely ignored. He could understand Mark’s behaviour though. If he had a girlfriend like that and hadn’t seen her for two months, he’d probably be equally oblivious to everything else.
Tom finished his breakfast in silence and went off to his first lesson. Defence against the Dark Arts. Tom had been looking forward to it as it was his best subject at Durmprang and he always preferred doing something to just listening and reading. But then he remember that it was going to be taught by that Ministry woman, Dumbridge.
Luckily, the parchment with his timetable on had a map on the other side and so he arrived at Defence against the Dark Arts with time to spare. There, he met Hermione Danger who had been standing outside the door by herself. Tom was quite happy to find her on her own. “Hey Hermione!”
“Hi Tom. How are you?” she sounded just as happy to see Tom as Tom was to see her.
“Great thanks. Hogwash seems really cool and I’ve met a few people already. How come you’re here before anyone else?”
“I wanted to make sure I wasn’t late for Dumbridge since she works for the Ministry.”
Tom applied some quick thinking, “Yeah, me too. I thought it was funny how she said she was a former employee and yet she rambled on about carrying out the Ministry’s instructions.”
Hermione beamed at him. “You listened to her speech too!” she exclaimed. “I’m so glad. I wanted to discuss it with someone but my other friends are pretty lazy and switched off, like most people, when Dumbridge started talking.”
Tom felt happy. “Yeah, I listened to it. It was boring but very important and informative,” he replied. He was about to continue but the majority of the class had just turned up and the classroom door was opening. Dumbridge invited them in and Tom made to sit with Hermione but that Ron kid had turned up with the boy who lived and they had immediately gone to her.
Not wanting to intrude, Tom took a seat at the back of the class as he didn’t know anyone else and they had all sat with friends. Once everyone was settled, Dumbridge addressed the class in the same dreary tone she had used in the start of term feast. “Welcome to Defence against the Dark Arts 5th years. This year’s study is your most important to date as you will sit you C.A.T’s at the end of the year. Therefore you must follow my instructions closely if you wish to succeed. My class will be a bit different to your previous years of experience in this subject. I gather that you have been taught by a different teacher each year and that none of your teachers have been any good and they didn’t follow any Ministry teaching guidelines, except perhaps Professor Quiver.”
At this Harry Trotter shouted out, “Oh yeah Quiver was great, apart from the small fact that he had Lord Moldywart sticking out the back of his head like a massive cyst.”
Tom heard Hermione groan and he himself thought that whilst Harry had guts to keep to the truth, he was a complete idiot for shouting about it to a Ministry official who had lots of power over him. Dumbridge retaliated just as Tom had expected.
“Detention Mr Trotter! I will not have you convey lies in my class.”
“It’s not a lie. It was this big ugly bulge, looked like a cyst with eyes and a nose. How can you be so dumb!?” The word dumb seemed to have struck a nerve in Dumbridge (three guesses why). She almost screamed, “See me after class Trotter and if you speak another syllable during the rest of this class, I will turn you into a slug so I can disintegrate you with salt if you annoy me again.”
“Those are more syllables. Get over here now.”
Ron joined in. “Professor, that’s not fair. He was just,”
“Shut up Ron,” Harry whispered.
To the surprise of everyone, including Dumbridge, Harry got up and walked over to her. “Go on then. Do it, if you’ve got the guts.”
They stared at each other in pure loathing. Eventually, Dumbridge turned away and said, “I’ll forgive you this time Trotter but be warned.” Harry returned to his seat with a huge expression of satisfaction. Tom privately thought that Harry was a big show off and it wasn’t him being threatening that stopped Dumbridge. More the possibility that she didn’t know how to transform Harry into a slug in the first place.
The rest of the lesson was spent in silence, reading some stupid book that was supposed to teach defence but it didn’t mention much magic at all. All it really said was how to escape from a fright by using disguises and hiding places. It was extremely dull. Although, despite Tom thinking it was a book for pathetic people, he still took a few pointers from it that he thought he could combine with his magic in real life.
Tom couldn’t understand Dumbridge. He thought that even though he knew she wasn’t a real teacher, to actually stop them from learning the subject was too far. She was effectively trying to make them become cowards who would have no chance in defending themselves from anyone.
It was, without a doubt, the worst defence lesson Tom had ever participated in. Although, he was used to excellent ones since he’d been at Durmprang for four years where they had taught how to freeze people, wipe their memories and control their bodies.
When the bell rang, everyone left except Harry who trudged up to Dumbridge’s desk. Tom though this would be a good time to talk to Hermione again. As soon as they left the classroom, Tom went over to her. “Hey Hermione, I was wondering if you could help me out with classes and stuff. We could also talk more about you-know-what.”
Ron, who was standing next to her, looked horror struck. Hermione however, seemed slightly taken aback but then replied “Yeah ok. I have quite a busy schedule but I’m free on Saturday morning, does that suit you?”
Tom had decided he was definitely going to Quidditch trials, one breakfast with Mark was enough to know that they would get on well together and it would be a real laugh. So, disappointed, Tom replied “Sorry, I’m not. I’ve got Quidditch trials at 10.” But Hermione didn’t seem bothered by this.
“That’s alright. I’ll come down to the Quidditch pitch and we can talk before and after. Shall we meet around 9:30?”
Delighted, Tom said, “Yes, that sounds great. I’ll see you there then.” With that he headed off to his next lesson, after a quick “Alright mate?” to Ron who just stared back at him.
The rest of the day passed without much incident. He met a few people at lunch, Terry Sleeve and Michael Roundabout, who seemed ok but a tad boring. Nothing else happened until his last class of the day, Potions. As he entered the dark, dungeon classroom, he noticed that the separate houses were sitting on their own tables so Tom went to sit with the other Ravensnores. There was Anthony Boldstein, Michael Roundabout, Terry Sleeve and Podma Fatil. The guys greeted him friendly and Podma introduced herself. But before they could get any further, Professor Snipe started to speak. He was a ghostly man, with a mop for hair and he spoke in a low, sinister voice.
“This year you will be sitting your C.A.T’s as you well know. Therefore most of you must put in more effort than you have in previous years if you wish to pass.” As he said this, he glanced over at the Gryffinchair table. “I would like to welcome Mr Collivander to the class and I hope, for his sake, that he is better you lot.”
Tom was surprised to hear him talk to his class like this but no one seemed to react. Snipe carried on as if he did this every day. “Now, today you will be constructing a potion known as the Wrath of Poseidon. Instructions are on the board.” They appeared with a wave of his wand. “Begin.” With that he went and sat down at his desk at the front and closed his eyes.
Everyone around Tom was already starting their potions when Tom looked away from Snipe. He quickly started to read the instructions. Snipe appeared to be one of those teachers who scared the class and so they did exactly what he said without question and so Tom wanted to do a good job on his first potion.
Overall, he thought that it hadn’t gone too badly. At the end of the lesson he carried over a sample of his potion to Snipe’s desk whilst looking around at everyone else’s and noticed that most people’s potions were worse than his. Some were completely the wrong colour, some were smoking, some were thicker than tar and one had exploded out of the cauldron. That was Harry’s. Tom wasn’t too impressed with Harry Trotter so far from what he’d seen of him. Tom had expected him to be rather intelligent since there was so much hype about him but it appeared not.
His attention then turned to the task that Dumby had set him. One lesson with Professor Snipe had put Tom off the task considerably but he had promised Dumby and he keeps his promises. Hence, it was with a heavy heart that he stayed behind after class when everyone else had gone for dinner. Tom approached Snipe and spoke, “Sir, I’ve been instructed by Professor Dumby to help you out with whatever it is you need help with.”
Snipe replied in his snide voice, “I am aware.” But then he perked up slightly. “I’m happy to see that you have agreed. Today I would like you clear out the store cupboard of all the rotting ingredients by hand. Nothing more, nothing less.” With that, he turned back to his marking of the class’ potions.
Reluctantly, Tom set to work. He couldn’t understand why he should have to do this as a student but he was clever enough to realise that Dumby must have his reasons and so he completed the task without question in about an hour. Once finished, he told Snipe who replied, “Good. Let’s take a look… This is a good effort Tom and your potion was one of the best as well. Carry on performing like this and good things will happen. I expect you back here tomorrow at the same time. But be warned, you’ve now set the bar for what I expect of you from now on.”
Tom left without another word and hurried to the great hall, hoping that there was still food left. He was fortunate to see there was food still on the tables. He hurriedly sat down and pulled a plate of chicken wings towards him but at he did so, they vanished along with everything else. Thoroughly disappointed, Tom walked back to Ravensnore common room using his map and found Terry Sleeve by himself. “Hey Tom, where were you at dinner?”
“I missed it,” Tom said rather annoyed. “What are you up too?”
“Just homework. Do you want to do it with me?”
Tom, who knew he wouldn’t need much time to do his homework had thought about working out. He said, “Nah, I was actually going to go to the gym. Do you know where it is?”
Terry looked slightly taken aback. “I don’t think Hogwash has one.”
Shocked, Tom retorted with a raised voice, “Seriously! There’s no gym at all! What do you guys do with your free time around here?”
“We spend most of it doing work to be honest, then just other stuff. Talking, practising spells and just chilling out.”
“Suit yourself,” said Tom and he went off to his bedroom.
Tom was a very productive person. He couldn’t just sit around and talk for too long and so if Hogwash didn’t have a gym, he’d just have to workout in his room. Half way into his last set of push-ups, his bedroom door opened and Terry came in.
“Hey, Tom. I hope you’re alright. You seemed a bit agitated earlier.” Tom finished his set before replying.
“Yeah, I’m fine now. I was just in shock that there isn’t a gym here. I didn’t mean to get angry with you, sorry about that.”
As Tom got up, Terry noticed just how ripped and muscular he was as he’d been shirtless since he thought he was in private. In awe, Terry replied. “I can see now why you were
so upset.” Tom felt weird at being complemented by another dude.
“Thanks, I guess. Listen, I’m finished now so I’m gonna get a shower.”
“Cool, well I’ll see you tomorrow Tom,” and he left.
Tom spend the rest of the evening doing his homework alone, which took about 5 minutes, and then he memorised the map of Hogwash he’d been given. Something that would have taken most students a week at least with all its moving staircases and random alcoves that led nowhere.
The next day, he ate breakfast with Terry and Michael who asked him to call them T and Mike. Tom didn’t particularly like them and felt ridiculous calling Terry T but he wanted to get to know as many people as he could because it could come in handy later. He also didn’t want to eat by himself.
Today the post arrived by owls whilst they were eating. Tom was surprised so many owls entered the hall where they could cause so much mess over everyone’s food. He smiled to himself as he thought about everyone still using owls, when he could just use his phone to send a text rather than relying on owls to deliver messages which took far longer and wasn’t entirely reliable. After breakfast, he headed off to his first lesson of the day. Charms.
He entered the classroom to find it was already full. Disappointed that he’d have to sit by himself, Tom walked over to front row but before he got there he heard his name being called. “Tom. Tom over hear.” It was Isabelle. She was sitting with Clara but there was an empty space on their table.
“Hey Isabelle, Clara.”
“Tom, you can sit with us if you like.” Isabelle said this in a rather hopeful way. She was therefore happy to see that Tom sat down.
“Thanks. I’m glad you two are here. I thought I was going to have to sit by myself.”
“Don’t be silly. I’m sure lots of people want to sit with you.” Professor Funwick came over at that moment.
“Tom, ladies. Less talk, more practise please. Let me see you try the enlargement charm.” Clara went first, her mango doubled in size but then instantly shrunk again when she stopped the spell. Isabelle was a bit better. Her apple only grew to the size of an orange but it remained that size for a full minute, before exploding and covering the four of them in juice. Tom however managed to increase the size of his grape to the size of a watermelon. Professor Funwick looked elated. “Brilliant Tom. I can see the sorting hat made a correct decision to put you in my house.” As soon as he walked off Isabelle started talking again, “That was amazing! Will you teach me how to do that?”
“Me too,” added Clara.
Happy that Tom had impressed them, he set to work helping them out and by the end of the lesson, their charms had seen a vast improvement. “You’re a great teacher Tom,” said Clara admiringly.
“Yeah you are,” added Isabelle.
“Thanks,” Tom replied. He didn’t really know what else to say. It looked like the girls wanted him to say something else but since he didn’t, they said goodbye and left.
The rest of the day passed without incident. Tom spent some of it thinking about Isabelle and Clara. He thought they were interested in him but he wasn’t sure if he felt the same way. There was nothing wrong with them, it was just that they weren’t really his type. He also had the image of Hermione in the back of his mind. Tom was definitely more interested in her.
At 6 o’clock, Tom went to Professor Snipe’s aid just as he’d promised. Today, Snipe asked him to count out all the supplies that were left in the cupboard and label everything. If anything, this work was even duller than the previous days but just like yesterday, Tom didn’t complain. He just got on with the work and finished as quickly as he could. He raced out of the dungeon to the hall in the hope that there would be some food left this time. He was unlucky again. The food had gone. Two missed meals in 24 hours was much worse to Tom than doing the boring work for Snipe. Reluctantly, he dragged himself back to Ravensnore tower where he met Mark and Ryan who had been lurking round a corner close to the door, whispering frantically.
“Mark, Ryan, what are you up to?”
“Oh hey Tom. Where have you been? We haven’t seen you at dinner at all. I’ve been wanting you to show Ryan what you’re capable of,” said Mark with a grin.
“I’ve missed both dinner’s so far,” Tom replied, grudgingly.
Ryan said, “Are you ill?”
“Not at all, I’m really hungry. I’ve just been busy.”
“We can solve that. We have the secret to never going hungry again but you have to promise that you will keep it a secret unless exceptional circumstances deliver themselves just like they are now,” said Ryan happily.
“How come I qualify to know this secret?”
“You’re a special breed Tom. You know how to eat like a man.”
Tom laughed. “Thanks. So what is this secret?”
Mark answered, “You can get into the kitchens through a painting down in the basement. All you have to do is flick the grape hanging out of a basket of fruit in one of the paintings down there. The painting will swing open revealing the kitchen. Once in, there are hundreds of house elves who are really friendly and will give you whatever you ask for. How good is that?”
Tom was wonderstruck. “You’re not pulling my leg are you? This is real?”
“Absolutely. Just don’t go telling people. We’ve now told you and only two other people. Fred and George Weaselby in Gryffinchair. Oh and if the elves ask how you got in, just mention us.”
Tom was delighted. “Thanks so much. I’m going there now, I’ll see you around.”
He sprinted down to the corridor as quickly as he could, elated that he was going to eat after all. He found the painting and flicked the grape just as instructed. Mark and Ryan had been serious. The painting swung open and Tom stepped inside to a sea of house elves. At once, a few came up to him and asked him how he had found out how to get in.
“Mark and Ryan told me, I hope its ok.”
“Of course,” said one of them. “Anyone who is a friend of Mark or Ryan is a friend of ours. What would you like?”
Tom didn’t want to sound greedy, “Well I missed dinner so can I have some of whatever is left over?” At once, a few more house elves appeared carrying a huge array of meats and sides.
“Please pick whatever you want.”
“That turkey looks great. Could I get a few turkey sandwiches please?” A house elf brought the requested sandwiches, 6 of them!
“Here you go sir.”
“There’s no need to call me sir, my name is Tom. Thank you all so much.” He took the sandwiches.
“We are happy to help Tom. I’m Bonky. Come back as much as you desire.” Bonky was slightly taller than the rest of the house elves and had a much deeper voice. Tom made a mental note to remember him and to always be kind to the house elves from now on. It pays well to have friends in all kinds of places and besides, they had been really friendly and helpful. Tom said goodbye and left the kitchen. He decided to go for an evening stroll in the grounds as he was yet to explore them and it was a perfect evening weather wise.
Tom enjoyed his turkey sandwiches very much whilst walking in the peace and quiet. As he walked across a bridge, looking out at the beautiful landscape, he realised that Mark had now manage to avoid answering his questions on multiple occasions. However, he’d also been extremely useful. Tom decided to really try in the up-coming Quidditch try-outs. He figured that his friendship with Mark and Ryan would rest on the outcome of his performance and he really wanted to keep them as friends.
As he headed east, he came across the owlery and he then realised that he was yet to sort out a phone signal for Hogwash. The owlery looked like a good place to sort it out. It was tall and had a clear view of the surroundings. So he went inside and went to the very top. Thankfully it was deserted. Must be homework time, he thought sarcastically. He then set to work, muttering a steady incantation. The entire process took about 10 minutes but once he was finished, it was perfect. The great thing about a magical phone signal is t
hat, providing you have some, it will always be as strong as possible.
As he made his way back down to the ground, a few owls came flew close to him and one tried to bite him. Tom, remembering why he’d never got on with owls, quickened his pace to get away from the birds before things got worse.